Lauren Black was 35 and raising a toddler when her mum died unexpectedly.
"Mum was the centre pin for so many people in my family, and the family business, and suddenly that fell to myself and my older brother," says the 42-year-old from Albury-Wodonga, on the traditional lands of the Wiradjuri people.
"I stepped into Mum's place for my dad, took over the care of their two dogs as well as my own, stepped in as my grandmother's support with the onset of dementia, and stepped in to work with my brother as he took over the family business."
Lauren says the sudden change and increased responsibility, which included moving back to her hometown from city life in Canberra, was a strain on her marriage.
"My husband got the last of my time and our relationship suffered."
Lauren wrote to us after reading our story on being the sandwich generation.
We spoke to Lauren to hear more about how caring for a young child and older family members affected her marriage, and also asked two experts for their insights into the toll being in the sandwich generation can have on relationships.
'We didn't have any time together'
Michelle O'Shea is a senior lecturer in the School of Business at Western Sydney University and has been analysing data on sandwich carers, provided by Carers NSW.
"What really resonated was the cognitive load. Respondents consistently talked about this idea of care taking up such a large part of their time and mental energy," Dr O'Shea says.
She says there was also a physical toll that left carers exhausted.
"[One woman spoke about] having to render assistance to her mother, which included bathing and assisting around the house, while also doing those things in her household as well."
The mental and physical load means there is often nothing left to give anyone else in their lives, Dr O'Shea says, including quality time with a partner.
Lauren says moving back to her hometown on a whim to help family was part of the struggle, because her husband Matt didn't have the same social network in the area.
"I was his person in Albury, but I wasn't available.
"We didn't have any time together, and any time I did have, I needed to look after myself.
"Matt and I have always so had different interests, so he's not coming to a ceramics workshop, where I want to sit down and chat to other women who are going through the same thing as me."
The couple also missed out on creating the family they had imagined for themselves.
"We never had any other children as I couldn't take on any more stress or responsibility at that time, and I've regretted that decision over the years."
Changing family dynamics
Being a part of the sandwich generation is one of the most intense life stages many couples face, says Queenie Wu, a clinical psychologist in Brisbane/Meanjin.
She says many couples may experience communication breakdown, resentment over an unequal responsibility, and financial pressures.
"Clients talk about going from lovers to logistic managers without realising it."
This can be impacted further when the aging parent lives in the home.
"Even with love and goodwill, it shifts the emotional centre of the home," Dr Wu says.
"Couples' connection can take a big hit … there can be a grief and loss of privacy and that safe haven."
She says parents living in the home can also create confusion around roles.
"Sometimes parents overstep and undermine."
Gender and cultural influences
Lauren says the bulk of the caring duties fell to her.
"It's a gendered issue … but Matt was also struggling a lot.
"While I was drowning in responsibility, I had so many women around me going through the same thing, so I was able to connect and get that support.
"Whereas Matt focused on his work and playing sport, where there isn't always the opportunity to discuss your struggles."
Dr O'Shea says even when there might be multiple adult children in the family, most of the time caring duties rest with the daughter or daughter-in-law.
"There were lots of women speaking [about] the care of their own parents, but also their in-laws.
"And what's different about women in this sandwich generation to prior generations, is not only are these women caring for their children and elder relatives, but they're also working."
And while it might be more common or expected in certain cultures to take care of aging parents, it's often no less difficult, says Dr Wu.
"For many Chinese Australians like me, it's not just an expectation [to care for aging parents], but a fundamental responsibility ingrained from childhood.
"Cultural values may shape the stories, but the stress is still real."
Dr O'Shea says many migrant families in Australia may also be dealing with supporting family from afar.
"They also have care commitments for aging relatives living abroad.
"There is another layer to that care."
Protecting the relationship
Many carers don't feel seen in the work they are doing. "It's invisible," says Dr Wu.
For that reason, she says it's important couples acknowledge and validate the care that is being undertaken.
To stay connected, couples should prioritise time together like they would "a medical appointment", she says.
"We need to make it happen — treat it as sacred."
Ongoing communication and regular check-ins are also essential, says Dr Wu.
"Couples who come through this chapter stronger are those who stay intentional.
"They talk openly, share the load fairly, protect small moments of connection, and see themselves as a team.
"Even amidst the chaos, they choose each other, again and again."
Lauren says life is slowly becoming more manageable. For example, her career is "back on track", her dad has a new partner, and her brother runs the family business independently.
But she says it will take time to fully recover.
“I still feel like we are living through the most hectic times in our lives and haven’t had a chance to catch our breath.”
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