England has ended an almost 15-year drought by winning a Test match on Australian soil, and they did so in typically madcap Bazball style, in two days at the MCG.
Here's how the internet reacted.
Jofra Archer: out.
Pat Cummins: out.
Nathan Lyon: out.
The Ashes: decided.
It's hard to remember a less consequential Boxing Day Test.
Coming up with interesting talking points for this first of two dead rubbers was a little like conversing with teenagers during Christmas lunch; a difficult, unrewarding experience that usually ends in a silent moment of despair for the future.
Still, with the nation sluggish, weary and digesting huge heaped shavings of ham, the Aussie team began the third Test similarly, staggering in to bat dazed and giving up three quick wickets to begin the first session.
Like your dad after asking for a bit of your ice-cream, Tongue was doing most of the damage, but a recalled Gus Atkinson was also bowling well.
Smith was looking hungry after missing the series-clinching Test with inner-ear issues, but he was sent packing after being clean bowled by Tongue.
Usman Khawaja and Alex Carey steadied the Australian innings slightly after lunch, but both departed not long after making 20.
Outside of some wayward stuff from Carse in the first few overs, the English were bowling on a threatening length, Stokes had come in and struck. This was an England team focused and firing, and like a Christmas present arriving in the post on the 28th, it was nice to see them finally turn up, even if they were a bit late.
Cam Green somehow managed to run himself out. The man with the longest strides in Australian team hesitated for a run, then saw Brydon Carse throw down the stumps after picking the ball up in his follow-through.
A loose shot saw Mitchell Starc loft one to mid-off. Michael Neser followed him off not long after, and Scott Boland the next ball after that. All out for 152, Neser top scoring with 35, and Josh Tongue had a five-fa.
A top- and bottom-order collapse in the cool at the MCG.
England came in to bat, and Ben Duckett continued his horror tour, ballooning one up to a willing catcher, a total miscue, for 2.
The new boy Jacob Bethell fell victim to Neser, feathering the ball onto his pad, and then into the gloves of Carey.
England was 2-8, fast-forward cricket was back on the menu.
Crawley was then caught at slip for 5, England now 3-8, the circus music was roused, parping and squeaking, the carousel's cover was thrown off with a puff of technicolour dust.
Harry Brook walked out and charged down the pitch, swinging and missing like a tipsy uncle playing beach cricket, on his very first ball.
Joe Root was next to go, for nought, edging to Carey.
Brook was dancing up and down the pitch and heaving his bat, uppercutting over the keeper, standing and whacking off shorter lengths, a full repertoire of astonishing shots; he had clearly decided: 'everyone else is nicking off playing defensively, I may as well have a real tonk here.'
He managed 41 runs, admittedly the highest score of the match to that point, but his innings only lasted 34 deliveries.
Jamie Smith was bowled by Scott Boland, and with a little over an hour to go in the day England was 6-68.
Will Jacks arrived at the crease, and quickly played a shot that Jonathan Agnew described on ABC Sport as "the sort of shot that you might see on a village green somewhere ... probably played by the blacksmith." Jacks was out for 5 a few minutes later.
Next, Ben Stokes was walking off, having faced a marathon 37 balls for 16 runs, caught by Smith at slip off Neser. 8-83.
Gus Atkinson got England to triple figures. The English fans were cheering as he hit a few boundaries, like boxing fans cheering the twitches and spasms of their favourite fighter after he's been knocked out.
Green eventually bowled Atkinson, England all out for 110. They had realised this wicket was difficult to bat on, and had immediately abandoned all trust in their own technique, hoping hit-and-giggle tactics would serve them better.
Scott Boland came out as a nightwatchmen opener. His task? Make it through one over before stumps.
He ballooned his first shot up into the air, and it fell safe. England had five slips and a packed leg side field. It was tense. Boland survived, and even hit a boundary off the final ball of the day, one on which 20 wickets fell.
Boland survived 17 deliveries the following morning, scored six runs, took a little bit of the edge off the ball and, all in all, did his job.
His replacement, Jake Weatherald, was bowled by Ben Stokes for 5, after half-leaving, half-playing at a ball on a good length; the ease with which Australia retained the Ashes has perhaps disguised the fact Weatherald has scored just 15 total runs this Test, 19 in the third Test, and 23 in the first Test. His 72 and 17 in Brisbane is doing a lot of work carrying him into the first-choice opener's spot.
Marnus Labuschagne was seen edging the ball to Root. He stood there waiting for the low catch to be checked for grounding, and quite literally wailed when he saw the replay, and then the catch upheld.
Bang, bang, Head and Khawaja were rapid-fire wickets, Head for a game-high 46 and then Khawaja for a duck two balls later. Bang, Carey went for four, nicking to slip. Lunch was just minutes away.
This Test was just two one-dayers played back to back.
Watching this brand of cricket played on this volatile pitch was just bonkers, like watching a Formula 1 Grand Prix get diverted onto a figure-eight track and become a demolition derby with pyrotechnics. Don't go anywhere folks, the monster trucks up next.
It's garish, it's undignified, and it's actually boring seeing wickets tumble so regularly, with no time for tension to build in between, for every shot to be an outrageous swipe, instead of those strokes being the thrilling punctuation that garnishes an innings.
Cameron Green once again managed a period of stability with Steve Smith after lunch, but that ended when Green wandered into what could loosely be labelled a trap by Stokes, opening the face of his bat to a wide ball and deflecting it to slip. Michael Neser was caught and bowled for a duck, a leading edge snatched by Carse with his left hand. Mitchell Starc nicked off, also for a duck.
Jhye Richardson hit a couple of boundaries before skying one to a fielder; Australia all out for 132, England needed 175 to win, on the arvo of day two.
Would England try and blast its way to a quick victory, like Travis Head in Perth? Crawley and Duckett strode out.
Starc had a tough caught-and-bowled chance early that he put down. Crawley then whacked Neser for 11 off a single over, and Duckett spectacularly botched a ramp shot.
They were living dangerously, as multiple miscued slogs fell safe, but they were getting lucky. They raced to 0-44 inside seven overs.
Starc then got Duckett with a super yorker crashing into leg stump. Duckett had got the English innings revving though, with 34 off 26.
Brydon Carse then surprisingly came in for some slogging and ultimately holed out for just 6.
Bethell arrived and top-edged a ball over the cordon for four.
"It honestly is like a T20 game, balls are just flying everywhere, willy-nilly," Stuart Clark in commentary for ABC Sport.
Scott Boland was inserted into the attack. He tortured the batters with some outrageous deliveries that seamed a mile. But the English made it to tea just two wickets down with 98 runs to get.
The runs came quickly for England after play resumed, albeit many of them from edges that escaped fielders, or lofted mis-hits that landed in large empty patches of MCG turf.
"The Australian body language is quite telling here, just going through the motions," Jason Gillespie said.
Indeed, the hosts looked very much like a team with an unassailable lead in the series, happy to cop a few punches before the bell knowing they've won the bout on points.
England laboured slightly to a four-wicket victory before stumps on day two, and will be delighted to have ended a drought and avoided a whitewash.
Here, the mad methods worked, just about, although it did depend on Australia underperforming with the bat on a wild and woolly wicket.
I suppose we should be happy a dead rubber was enlivened by a truly crazy contest.
But when the sugar-hit subsides, those who saw it — and, more pertinently, those with tickets for days three, four and five - may move on to Sydney feeling rather empty inside.
