Married At First Sight should be a platform to talk about domestic violence – too much is left unsaid

Married at First Sight Australia (colloquially known as “MAFS”) is one of Australia’s most popular reality TV shows, averaging two million viewers an episode. But this year’s season has come under fire for multiple narratives plagued by domestic violence.

In particular, one episode brought up three troubling facets of violence: physical violence, coercive control, and expectations of male dominance. Parallels between these three relationships are evident to those of us who work with gendered violence.

Disappointingly, the show has only directly addressed physical violence. By failing to address properly these other facets of violence, MAFS missed an opportunity to examine the way men’s violence against women exists on a continuum.

How does the show work?

The premise of the show is simple: individuals who are unlucky in love are matched by three relationship “experts”. The first time they meet is at the end of the aisle.

The spouses move in together and are put through a series of exercises designed to “fast track” their connection – although success rates are quite low.

In weekly commitment ceremonies, each couple, in front of the group, receives relationship therapy from the show’s expert panel: registered psychologist John Aiken, relationship coach Mel Schilling, and sexologist Alessandra Rampolla.

Each week, each member of the couple chooses to stay or leave. If only one member of a couple wants to leave, both must stay.

‘This is deeply troubling’

At the commitment ceremony in the episode that aired on March 2, groom Paul Antoine confessed he punched a hole in a door during an argument with his wife Carina Mirabile.

The experts appear to take Antoine’s violence seriously. They threaten to expel him from the show. Other grooms speak directly to camera about the seriousness of physical violence.

Mirabile downplays his behaviour. She says the incident happened after she talked about a previous relationship, and Antoine’s actions show “he does have strong feelings towards me” and it is “a real relationship”.

Expert Schilling responds, saying:

I cannot sit here and listen to this justification from you […] This is not normal behaviour, sweetheart […] This is deeply troubling.

The incident is being investigated by New South Wales Police. At the time of writing, the couple remain in the series.

A difficult relationship

Before the season began airing, it came to light that a member of one couple, Adrian Araouzou, was previously charged with domestic assault, before being acquitted. At the time of writing, this history has not been addressed on screen.

At the same commitment ceremony, Araouzou whispers requests to his wife, Awhina Rutene, that she not talk about an argument between his sisters and Rutene’s sister.

Another groom, Dave Hand, criticises Araouzeou’s behaviour, saying

let her say how she really feels […] She looks at you for permission to speak, mate.

Aiken says this is a “serious statement”. Rutene says she doesn’t need permission, although she sometimes feels speaking will cause “a rift between us” and she does not want to “hurt Adrian’s feelings”.

Rutene votes to leave. Because Araouzeou chooses to stay, she is also compelled to stay.

Looking for ‘domination’

In the same episode, bride Lauren Hall says she was horrified to come home and find her husband, Clint Rice, cleaning. Hall says she expects a husband to be “very dominating”.

Sexologist Rampolla suggests Rice embracing domination could “grow the spark” within the relationship. The experts ask Rice whether he feels he can live up to Hall’s gendered expectations. He agrees to try.

A national emergency

Given the national platform of the show, and the “national emergency” of domestic and family violence, the failure to seize any opportunity to send a strong message about gender equality to the public is deeply disappointing.

A 2021 survey found 23% of Australians believe domestic violence is a normal reaction to stress. This points to a mainstream acceptance of violence within intimate relationships. There is a need for further public discourse – and MAFS is very well positioned to contribute to it.

When MAFS allows people to stay on the show after they have enacted violence, the show sends the message that violence is not enough of a reason to leave a relationship. A 2016 survey from the Australian Bureau of Statistics found that 46% of women who have experienced violence from their partner and have never separated have wanted to leave the relationship.

People should be able to leave a relationship at any time, and for any reason. It is estimated it takes seven attempts for a woman to leave a relationship characterised by violence. In MAFS, one member of a couple can effectively force the other to stay. This suggests the ultimate goal of marriage is lasting commitment, rather than happiness, fulfilment and safety.

While the experts openly addressed Antione’s violence in the March 2 episode, there has been no further discussion of the incident since. This sends the message intimate partner violence is easily solved, and not important enough for ongoing attention.

When the experts supported the idea that Rice should be “dominant” in a relationship, they missed an opportunity to explore the intricate ways patriarchal expectations play out in intimate relationships. Research shows relationships characterised by dominant forms of masculinity are precursors for male violence against women.

Had MAFS seized this opportunity to open up this discussion (perhaps in a group therapy session with all of the grooms, including with quietly supportive Rice, and strong and respectful Hand) they could have used their platform to push back on the idealised image of a dominating man.

Research from 2020 found most representations of masculinity on Australian television show men as “inherently chauvinistic, sexist, and misogynist”. MAFS has an opportunity to delve into Australian masculinity and question these stereotypes. What a shame this opportunity has been missed.

Kate Toone is a member of the Australian Association of Social Workers.