When someone says they are experiencing domestic violence, you might feel unsure about how best to support them.
"We find a lot of people get very uncomfortable with disclosure [about abuse], so they divert the conversation to something else," says Angie Gehle, senior policy and advocacy officer at Domestic Violence NSW.
"That can inadvertently shut down the victim-survivor — it tells them they are not important, and they have chosen the wrong person to trust with that information."
It takes "enormous courage" for a victim-survivor to disclose abuse, she says, and they will be considering many complexities when doing so, including their safety.
Whether it's a family member, friend or colleague, it's helpful to understand how difficult disclosing experiences of domestic violence can be. As well as how to respond in the moment, and the best way to provide ongoing support.
How to respond in the moment
The most important thing you can do when someone says they are experiencing violence is to validate them, explains Alina Thomas, CEO at Engender Equality in Tasmania.
"Giving some sort of reassurance and positive statement that you believe what the victim-survivor is saying, that what they said is significant. And that you care and worry about them."
She says what you say will likely influence what steps they take next.
"If they feel heard and believed and validated, it restores that little bit of self-worth and agency … which might help them see some options toward greater safety."
Ms Gehle says when we get this wrong, such as by making statements that minimise the abuse, the person may shut down.
"It's really important to maintain that conversation. Reassure them that disclosing is a really powerful thing to do."
Ms Thomas says it's good to ask questions to get a sense of what is going on, but be mindful to not push the person beyond what they are willing to share.
If the person, their children or their pets are in immediate danger, you should contact triple-0.
A difficult thing to share
Ms Thomas says it is likely that victim-survivors have been working hard for a long time to keep their family together before disclosing.
"Often, we really want the relationship to work, we put in a lot of effort and care, trying to problem-solve when things aren't going well.
"When that isn't working, we can feel we are to blame."
As well as experiencing shame, they may fear what will happen after confiding in someone, Ms Thomas says.
"It's one reason we hold onto abusive relationships for so long. It's also why we don't want to see abuse.
"Once you see abuse, you then need to think about it as a problem, and then solving it, then facing change."
Ms Thomas says victim-survivors are also mindful of how their perpetrator is perceived by others, and worry people won't believe them.
"You could be met with comments such as 'Oh no, he's a really nice guy', or 'If it's been that bad, why are you still with him?'"
Women are nearly three times more likely than men to experience violence from an intimate partner in Australia.
And statistics show men are more likely to be perpetrators.
Victim-survivors may want to protect their abuser, too.
"There are going to be positive attributes to their partner they want to support and for others to know about," says Ms Thomas.
Victim-survivors will be considering so many factors when disclosing abuse.
"She will be considering the perpetrator, her future, the risk to her safety — so many complex issues, and knowing providing information about what she is experiencing is incredibly risky," Ms Gehle says.
"Especially if she is a mother, she is considering her children before anything else."
Meet them where they are at
When disclosing, the person may not always say directly they are experiencing domestic violence.
Ms Gehle says some victim-survivors know something is wrong, but don't define it as abuse — especially when it's not physical — and are looking to sense check with you.
"We find women are often wanting to double check with people around them if that is normal or respectful behaviour or not."
Even if you identify it as abuse, she says it can be more helpful to simply validate what they are experiencing, rather than rushing to label it.
"Sometimes by labelling something, the victim-survivor might disengage because it's so confronting," explains Ms Gehle.
"It's better to have a narrative of, 'That sounds really hard, it sounds like you're being treated unfairly, and I don't think that's OK. Let's work out how I can best support you'."
Providing ongoing support
After listening and validating, discuss how you can best provide support.
That will include working out a safe way to check in moving forward.
"The person using abusive behaviour might have a lot of control and oversight of the victim-survivor — they might be monitoring their phone, emails, tracking where their car is going," says Ms Thomas.
"We need to be careful that we are not contributing in any way to raising alarm bells."
She says if a perpetrator finds out the victim-survivor has spoken to someone about the abuse, the violence could escalate.
Suggesting they connect with specialist support services such as 1800RESPECT is a good starting point if safe to do so, says Ms Gehle.
You can contact 1800RESPECT for advice and information as a support person, too.
"They might also not be domestic violence specific, but [you can suggest] other potential supports like women's health services, community centres, or playgroups for women who have children — so their support system is growing slightly," Ms Gehle says.
The most important thing is to remember victim-survivors are the expert on their own relationship and safety.
Ms Thomas says you need to maintain their confidentiality.
"Don't act on anything without telling them or asking them what you'd like to do.
"Perhaps you think it's a good idea to go police, but you wouldn't do that unless they agreed.
"And you wouldn't talk to the person using abusive behaviour without explicit consent."
While you might be feeling protective, Ms Gehle agrees people should avoid "jumping in and being a saviour".
"Sometimes friends and colleagues have a simplistic view on how to fix really complex issues," she says.
"The victim-survivor knows their situation better than anybody, they know their safety better than anybody."
No quick fixes
Ms Thomas it can be tricky to be a support person, especially when you want to see immediate changes for them.
"You have to keep in mind their life has been really taken over by the person using abuse.
"They are probably feeing trapped, feeling reduced as a person within that situation.
"I know that it can be hard as a support person when you think 'There should be a way through this', but it's not necessarily going to be obvious, or quick."
She says you shouldn't encourage the person to leave without them having a safety plan and supports in place first.
Leaving the relationship is the most dangerous time for a victim-survivor and it can take between seven and 10 times for them to leave permanently, says Ms Gehle.
"It's really critical if you are going to be a supporter, that you remain that supporter … in all scenarios."
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