Does talking about the future with your partner ever feel exhausting, overwhelming, or anxiety inducing?
Perhaps your significant other loves to dream big; planning out your future home, family and holidays … while you're just trying to get through the week.
With external stresses such as the cost of living and the housing crisis, many people might be feeling reluctant to make long-term plans, says Carly Dober, a Naarm/Melbourne psychologist and director of the Australian Association of Psychologists.
"It's really difficult to overstate just how stressful feeling like your future is uncertain can be for so many people.
"A partner might be curious and wanting to discuss the future, and the other might be thinking 'we might be share-housing or homeless in 10 years' time'."
It's a mismatch that can cause tension in a relationship, and even lead to one party questioning if the relationship has a future at all.
Goal setting is healthy in relationships
Being able to set goals and dream as a couple is part of "how you tell the story of longevity in your relationship", explains Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.
"Being able to picture a future together is quite romantic. It's also very affirming that you both are on the same page about there being a future."
She says while goals can be quite clear and defined, for example planning a holiday for the end of the year, they don't have to be.
"It's important as a couple not to feel it has to be concrete and set like a KPI.
"It could be a vision for the two of you, such as 'We'd like to have more date nights'."
Ms Shaw says it's helpful to know someone's motivation to discuss the future isn't always about seeking commitment and security.
"For some people, dreaming ahead is sometimes a great escape from the present.
"Or it may just be for fun."
Why some of us find conversations about the future difficult
While dreaming about the future together is a good thing, Ms Dober says we may not always feel up to it.
"It could be personal issues like mental health. Maybe what they're currently experiencing makes them live very much in the day to day, and unable to envisage the future."
Ms Dober says the person might not have as much confidence in the future as their partner, due to life stresses, or even how they feel about the relationship and where it's headed.
"It also just might be they're not as much of a planner as the other person, they might be more spontaneous and like to go with the flow."
Relationships counsellor Jill Dzadey, based in Naarm/Melbourne, says some people might fear the potential implications of talking about what's ahead.
"For example … you might not want to talk about having kids, because if it comes out that one of you wants them and the other doesn't, what does that mean for the relationship?"
Or couples might agree on plans, but feel differently about the speed at which they happen.
"Often, pace discrepancy is a big hitter," Ms Dzadey says.
And because these chats bring up topics that involve values around money and family, she says, that can be another reason they cause a "level of angst and anxiety".
Getting on the same page while honouring the headspace you're in
Ms Shaw says establishing the intended outcome of a conversation at the beginning can help both parties get on the same page.
For example, is it about setting firm goals and timelines? Or having a light-hearted sharing about hopes for the future?
"Make it safe to dream," Ms Shaw says.
Avoiding these conversations altogether may cause your partner to feel insecure about whether there is a future together at all, she says.
If discussions become heated, Ms Dzadey recommends couples press pause and come back to it at an agreed time.
"Give yourself a moment, whether you go for a walk or do something self-soothing, then try and come back again."
Understanding why you feel drained by these conversations can help you identify any support you might need, suggests Ms Dober.
"[For example] if you need financial counselling if you feel like you don't have the skills or financial literacy [to support these conversations].
"For mental health support, chat to your GP and get a referral to see a psychologist."
