The Let Them Theory is having a moment on social media.
The theory, from motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins, is about letting go of the need to control others and instead focusing on your reactions.
"When you 'Let Them' do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life," writes Robbins.
She's published a whole book on the subject, but many people are learning about the mindset tool in snippets from TikToks and Instagram reels.
And despite being incredibly popular, it has its critics — at least in the comment sections. Some say the Let Them Theory allows people to "walk all over you" and encourages people to stay quiet on behaviours that bother them.
We asked three psychologists for their take on the Let Them theory — what's worth taking on board, and if there is anything to be cautious of.
The popularity of the Let Them Theory
The simplicity of the theory is probably why it has gone so viral, says Jacqueline Baulch, a clinical psychologist in Melbourne/Naarm.
"I think a lot of people poo-poo popular psychology and say 'That is just what the masses are drawn to'.
"But I am interested in what the masses are drawn to, because that reflects a lot of my clients.
"It's a bit elitist to think things have to be complex to be useful."
Sara Quinn is a clinical psychologist and president of the Australian Psychological Society.
She says the theory is "easy to remember and quite practical", which is something people gravitate to.
"When people are struggling, they can call up that theory, remind themselves to say 'let them', and practice letting go."
Letting go of control
Dr Baulch says the Let Them Theory is about recognising the places where you are trying to control others' behaviour to align with "your values, your agenda, or what it is you need from them".
"Once we realise that, we allow ourselves to focus on the things we can control.
"It just offers a moment of pause and a way in which to slow down and check in with yourself. 'Could I let this go?'"
Dr Quinn says we often feel like we are "at the mercy of other people or events", which can be unsettling and bring feelings of vulnerability, helplessness and fear.
We then waste time and energy trying to control things we can't, when we could be focusing on ourselves.
Mary Goslett is a clinical psychologist and Yuin Budawang woman specialising in emotional dysregulation, trauma and Indigenous psychology.
She says the Let Them Theory encourages us to be less reactive.
As an example, Ms Goslett says if someone was to share that people had been gossiping about her, she can have an "OTT [over-the-top] reaction" or instead "step back".
"Let them have their gossip, not try and represent myself or defend myself.
"Basically, it's about giving yourself a breather, rather than going in with all of your hurt, all of your distress, all of the times you've been hurt."
Is there any science behind the Let Them Theory?
While the Let Them theory is "a pop theory" that isn't properly validated, Dr Quinn explains it has "adapted a lot of existing evidence-based frameworks".
For example, radical acceptance.
"It's a key component of what we call DBT [Dialectical Behaviour Therapy] … which encourages people to embrace the present moment and accept circumstances they find themselves in without judging them per se.
"It allows individuals to manage their emotional distress more readily."
Dr Quinn says there are themes of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), "which encourages individuals to accept thoughts and emotions rather than struggling to control them".
She also points to attachment theory as underpinning evidence for the concept.
"Secure attachment is rooted in our ability to manage and accept both our emotional states and our relationships in a non-judgemental way.
"That is a really nice, key message that aligns with the Let Them philosophy."
Ms Goslett says Let Them has elements of Transactional Analysis (TA), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), and the "really old school" Serenity Prayer.
"Accepting things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
What comes after 'Let Them'?
Dr Quinn says Let Them taps into the powerful desire we have for mental peace, and encourages us to focus on our own wellbeing and happiness.
A potential limitation of it, she says, is that the "individualistic" focus could discourage us from negotiating differences and resolving conflict.
"Healthy relationships and good wellbeing can't just be prompted through mindset changes.
"The Let Them Theory carries a sense of liberation and freedom … but I would love to see, also, this not be a panacea to all the complexities human relationships actually bring."
Ms Goslett notes the theory's individualistic nature may not work in certain cultural realms.
"If you compare [individualism] to an Indigenous ethos, [the latter is] about relationalism," she says, quoting Morgan Brigg and Mary Graham.
"[Indigenous people] have individual autonomy within relationships, but it's held within our relationships.
"Relationalism is about mutual obligations … it's all about us, rather than all about me."
She adds that we need to make sure we spend time reflecting on ourselves, and not using the Let Them Theory to avoid discomfort.
"Human beings are incredibly complex creatures, and [Robbins] gives very digestible soundbites.
"Where the theory can be misused, is the deep hunger for avoiding our own pain.
"Pain can be a place of deep growth."
