Ah, Christmas. There's nothing like tearing into a few presents … and then your argumentative uncle.
While your Instagram feed says the holidays are about joy and love, for many people Christmas is a time of managing tricky family members, inappropriate comments and probing questions.
"When any groups gather there are going to be mixed emotions about the event itself, the family dynamics, which perhaps have been in place for most of people's lives, and also troublesome behaviours," says Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.
She says people can feel a "hopelessness" that things will play out the same way they do every year.
"There can be a deep inevitability of 'I have to brace myself to face the things I always face' and a real sense of powerlessness."
But there are ways you can be better prepared for the interactions you dread, including some clever comebacks for rude uncles and nosy in-laws.
Claiming your power and setting boundaries
Ms Shaw recommends first thinking about how invested you are in resolving the interactions that bother you.
Is it worth your time and energy?
"Also, what part might you play in the difficulties? Because it may be that someone is out of line, but you might find it irresistible not to take them on," she says.
Ms Shaw says people often worry about another person's actions rather than claiming their own power in making a difference.
"If you feel invested to go and see out the distance, then what you need is to work out a safety plan for yourself."
That might include staying only a limited amount of time at an event and setting up the excuse in advance so you can "graciously exit," Ms Shaw says.
Ask someone who is attending that you trust and feel comfortable with to provide support.
"It could be that you have a buddy at the table that can join the fight with you, or someone you can say, 'Hey, if I'm becoming a target, could you create a diversion?'" says Ms Shaw.
You could also reach out to the person you are anticipating having issues with to try to clear the air ahead of time.
Let them know you'd like to do things differently, Ms Shaw says, by saying something like: "I want better for us".
"Many people are reasonable" when approached in that way, she says.
Ms Shaw also recommends adopting some "self-soothing strategies" such as taking a bathroom break or going outside. Using a meditation app to "calm yourself" can also help.
Clever comebacks and the power of silence
Gina "The Too Much Woman" Hatzis, a social media influencer and former journalist, previously shared her four phrases for dealing with rude comments.
- What an odd thing to say out loud
- I'm surprised you feel comfortable saying that
- Did you mean to share that with the group?
- Would you mind repeating that?
Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists based in Naarm/Melbourne, says these "sassy" responses can help bring a bit of humour to a situation, which can work for some family dynamics.
"It checks people," she says.
Those responses can take people by surprise and may prompt them to evaluate what they have said.
That might even lead to an apology or clarification, Ms Dober says.
If someone takes offence, however, that could escalate things, which is probably not what you're after.
An alternative is to redirect the conversation.
"If someone says something that offends you, you can always just say 'Yep, moving on. What do you think about the football?'" Ms Dober says.
Silence is an option, too, says Ms Shaw.
"Silence is very powerful. More powerful than we realise."
Or you may choose to respond "with grace", she says.
"Say, 'You know that topic I will never agree with, so I won't engage this year'. Or, 'You're not going to reel me in' or, with a smile, say 'I'm not going there'.
"Really take pride in your own empowerment — you won't lose your own boundary by getting lost in an argument that's not in your interest.
"The goal is how I can I leave this event in the best possible shape, and with being proud of how I managed myself given the situation."
If you ever feel unsafe, however, Ms Shaw recommends removing yourself from the situation, or talking to the host of the event.
