Ending a relationship is rarely easy, especially when kids are involved.
It's why some parents consider staying together for the children, explains Gabriella Pomare, a family lawyer and co-parenting coach.
"I see it all the time in my practice … it usually comes up when life feels too big to blow up," she says.
"Little kids. A mortgage. School routines. Shared friendship groups. Maybe one parent is financially dependent. Maybe they're terrified of doing handovers, two homes, Christmases apart, explaining it to grandparents, explaining it to the kids."
She says staying in the familiar discomfort can feel less scary than stepping into the unknown.
But is it ever a good idea to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids?
And how would that work?
A quick note on safety
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Easier to stay than go
There are practical reasons a couple may choose to stay together, for example, finances or caring responsibilities, explains Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists.
A fear of starting over may also keep at least one person wanting to stay.
"They might think, 'I'm anxious about being on the dating scene again' or hear stories from friends about what it's like now.
"They might think 'Is it really worth blowing up my whole life to go and do this?'"
She says change — even if it's wanted — can be stressful.
"That can keep a lot of people from making a decision that is best for their partner and the family unit."
Ms Pomare says there isn't always tension, either, which may make it seem easier to continue the relationship.
"Sometimes it's not even explosive conflict, it's quiet disconnection. Two people co-existing. Flatmates. No intimacy. No joy. No real partnership."
Perceptions of a 'broken home'
Some people believe a "broken home" is worse than an unhappy marriage, says Ms Pomare.
"Culturally, we've been taught that separation equals damage.
"[Parents] imagine trauma, instability, loyalty conflicts, financial stress, lost routines. And all of that can be hard."
But she says kids are unbelievably perceptive, and that often gets overlooked.
Children detect "emotional undercurrents", says Ms Pomare, such as distance, resentment, silence, micro-conflict, eye rolls and withdrawal "even when parents think they're hiding it well".
"People convince themselves staying is protective, when sometimes it's just familiar."
While research shows that children's mental health can be negatively impacted by separation, it's generally due to exposure to conflict and the parents' mental health.
Australian research from 2020 shows that most parents report their children "fared well" after separation.
"Parents generally provided favourable reports of their child's health, learning, peer relationships and general development," the Australian Institute of Family Studies research shows.
More harm than good?
Ms Dober says parents should consider what behaviours they are modelling for their children.
"Healthy relationship behaviours will set your children up for pretty good mental health and health relationship reference across their lifetime.
"What are they seeing every day?"
Households that are tense, where there are frequent arguments, or it's "obvious something awful is happening", she says, may impact children's wellbeing and leave them feeling insecure about the future.
Ms Pomare says children growing up around chronic tension and unresolved conflict might normalise disconnection or walking on eggshells, for example.
"Kids also internalise energy. A house can be calm on the surface but emotionally heavy underneath."
When staying together for the kids can work
If both partners are on the same page about the arrangement, and parenting as a strong team, staying together might work, says Ms Dober.
"If it's low conflict, needs are being met, and it's functioning, then likely it's OK."
Ms Pomare says to be successful, the relationship should be respectful, emotionally safe, cooperative and genuinely stable, "even if it's not wildly romantic".
"Some parents operate beautifully as a parenting partnership. There's warmth, teamwork, mutual respect, and low conflict."
Ms Dober says kids should be shielded from difficult conversations but given age-appropriate information about how the dynamic might be shifting.
"Young ears pick up more than you think — if any shift like this is going to happen — tell them in an age-appropriate way.
"Mum and dad, or mum and mum, or dad and mum aren't together as a couple anymore, but we are still a family, and we will always love you, and are working through this — that's just going to a look a little different," she says for example.
Ms Dober says while it wouldn't be appropriate for parents to share details about their sex life, for example, they could help children understand why what they are seeing is no longer romantic.
"If they are seeing a relationship devoid of love and affection, they will wonder why. If not now, when they are older.
"Help fill in the gaps."
Even in low-conflict situations, Ms Dober says parents will still need to stay alert for stress responses in the children.
"Monitor that and think about what external support they might need to navigate the change, like a child psychologist."
Making the decision
Separation is one of the biggest transitions a family can face, says Ms Pomare, so parents are right to feel unsure or scared.
"[But] when handled thoughtfully, with emotional intelligence and good support, kids can actually become more secure, not less.
"Your children don't need you to stay stuck. They need you to be emotionally well, grounded and available.
"It's not about choosing between your kids and your happiness. The two are often deeply connected."
Ms Dober says it's helpful for people to chat to family and friends who have made the split.
"They can ask what they might expect, how long it took to move on, what helped, and what didn't."
She says engaging a mental health professional like a psychologist or counsellor will provide extra support.
"It's common for relationships to accordion in and out over time, there might be periods you feel very disconnected and it might be salvageable."
